One Last Moment
by odalys-ortiz
Summary: John knew the reasons why he couldn't move on from Joss's death. Maybe he can finally have the chance to tell her face to face so to speak. Slight A/U to Terra Incognita and of course Careese.


Disclaimer: The characters and the episode do not belong to me.

 _Pre A/N: So yeah, I did like Terra Incognita but I straight up wasn't happy with the lack of conversation about Joss's death. It's understandable that Jessica had an impact on John's life but that didn't warrant almost half the episode talking about her. John was strongly affected by Joss's death to the point that he tried to kill Quinn and even left the team. How was it that the writers just ignored the chance for something like that but felt the need to leave the scene in with Root eating her lunch? I tried to put my spin on what the conversation could have been. As a warning, it is unbeta'd. Enjoy;)_

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One Last Moment

John had to keep reminding himself that she wasn't real, just a result of the hypothermia. He was just talking to himself in this car while he waited for help to hopefully arrive. Even so, he couldn't help but look over at Joss's profile as she looked out towards the field. This was who he was allowed to see when they worked together.

Even though she was in her work clothes, she still looked beautiful to him. His memories of her since she died were what had him teetering on whether or not to take his own life. She was right. It was nice out here without the sounds of the city. John never thought that he would have stayed in New York as long as he had but he felt like the city was his home until it hurt too much to have the memories of things Joss and him did.

It was Joss who he felt the strongest connection with. That's why he hated himself for never really opening up to her about Jessica. This conversation should have happened that night after she had taken down HR. There were many things that he wanted to do that night with her. To this day, he remembered vividly as he watched his hallucination wet her lips.

There was no doubt that he would have invited Joss back to his loft and loved her how she deserved to be loved. His injuries wouldn't have gotten in the way of how he would slowly burn her taste to memory. John's strong desire for Joss was the reason why he tried so hard to keep her at arms length, even avoiding her after Rikers. He didn't want to involve himself with her because she had risked so much to protect him.

So much time…wasted. Why didn't he just admit to himself how much he needed her? Why did he push her away for so long? Joss had been the only one he could talk to about his former life because she didn't judge him.

John groaned as he once again looked down at the ever growing bloodstain. He wondered what would get him first, bleeding out or freezing.

At the noise, Joss looked over with a concerned expression. "Are you alright?"

He nodded his head before another shiver passed through him. "I'm just thinking."

Joss chuckled. "That's a good idea. It'll help keep you warm. Maybe there is something else you want to talk about? Like how you went after Quinn and almost got yourself killed?" John should have known that even his hallucination wouldn't let him forget that. "I shouldn't be surprised. You are hardheaded after all."

John smiled at her sideways compliment. "I know, but I wouldn't take back what I did. I still came back to Finch and the numbers, but…I needed time." John looked towards the dead body of the murderer in the snow to better collect his thoughts. "It was almost too hard to believe that you weren't going to be here when I got back, you know."

Joss nodded her head. "I've been there before. It's hard to see people that you've known for a long time die. There was a fair share of that going on when I was serving. That marine I told you about? We were friends and to see him just disappear right before my eyes; I thought it was a dream at first. That I would open my eyes and he would be right there smiling. Waking up in the hospital the next day made it all the more real and I'll admit there were times when I wished that I didn't survive."

That was exactly what John was going through. "Yeah, ugh" He shifted his body to try and relieve the pain, even for a moment before leaning his head against the seat.

"I should still shoot you for what you did. What were you thinking John, doing all of that then leaving Finch and the numbers behind?"

"You Joss, I was thinking of you" he answered quickly. "It hurt so much when you…died. I thought that maybe there was a chance for me to be happy with you after we took down HR. There were so many things that I wanted to do that night with you."

Joss raised her eyebrows in curiosity before she left out a small giggle. "I bet you did John. So since you are sharing those deep, dark secrets, mind telling me exactly how you feel about me since I never got the chance to hear you say everything." When he didn't answer, she nodded her head. "Ah, I get it. You don't want to tell me because you know that I'm just going to disappear when all of this is said and done right?" Joss sighed. "You've really gone backwards since the last time I saw you John. Finch and Fusco have been around you as long as I have and they're still there for you."

"Joss, it was different with you. I fell in love with you. I never thought that I could feel that way after Jessica but it happened with you." The air stilled as John finally confessed what he had been holding inside for almost four years. It was fruitless to tell a hallucination but maybe, just maybe, she was watching him from above and he wanted to make sure she knew how he felt.

After leaning back in the chair, she turned her head so he wouldn't see her face. "I knew."

"You knew?"

"Well, I figured at least. There was something between the two of us. Like you said John, there was a connection. I've felt it there since we first met."

John finally managed the smile, even though his situation grew dire by the second. "I should have died that night" his voice dropped to a whisper as Joss asked him what he meant. "You were someone that this world couldn't lose and I just let it happen. Taylor lost his mother because of me."

"Now you know that's not true" she interrupted, growing tired of John beating himself up. "It was out of your hands. You are not at fault for what happened. I took those bullets because I wanted to protect you. Don't you understand that?" Joss didn't expect the growl he let out before punching the steering wheel and tried to talk some sense into him. "John you need to relax."

"How am I supposed to relax Joss?" He hit the steering wheel out of frustration before wincing in pain. "I should have known that you were up to something dangerous. There was something I could have done to keep you safe."

"John…" Joss waited for him to look at her. John saw her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "You can't keep thinking that. What's done is done. I kept you away because I was trying to protect you." Joss's fingers grazed his cold skin. "I can't keep watching you beat yourself up over something that wasn't your fault. I knew the risks. I know that it wasn't the most positive ending with me dying and all, but I don't regret doing it. I do regret keeping it a secret from you. I especially regret not being able to do this again. Joss leaned across the center console and pressed her lips to his.

John was taken aback by how warm she felt. The hypothermia must have affecting him again but that still didn't stop his body's reaction at being able to kiss the woman who he considered his savior. John remembered how sweet Joss's lips tasted back at the morgue and his heart clenched at the memory.

Joss pulled away but stayed close as she looked deeply into his eyes. "John, please hang on. Help will be here soon" she begged.

He reached his left hand up to touch the hand that was on his cheek. It felt so real. "Joss, I don't know if I want to keep going. It was so hard to get over you the first time. I feel like I'm going to lose you all over again after tonight because this is all in my head."

"It's going to be okay. I promise." It was a heartfelt declaration.

Taking one last look at her, John nodded his head and smiled. Even in his head, Joss knew exactly what to say. That's why he was able to stay alive this long. Only she would have been able to talk some sense into him. If she hadn't materialized when she did, John would have left the car to flag down the imaginary headlights and died as a result. Once again, she saved his life. His stamina finally gave out and he laid his head against the cold window before closing his eyes.

Joss wouldn't be there when he woke up. In a way, it was comforting to be able to open up to someone again. For almost two years, he was closed off from everyone because he had still been bitter over her death. Maybe it was fate that gave him Joss's cold case and in a way, put him in touch with her again.

John thought he felt her grab his hand while sitting in silence. As the last of his strength faded, something dimly lit his face. He thought that his life was finally at an end as the light grew brighter. Opening his eyes, John had been prepared to see something resembling the afterlife. Instead, he was greeted by two lights in the distance that were headlights of a car. In his head, he knew that this time they were real. With renewed hope that he was alive and was about to be saved, John made a move to squeeze the hand of the woman who helped him though his ordeal. "Joss, we made it" he growled out as he turned to look at the passenger seat only to find it unoccupied.

The unmistakable feeling of disappointment overwhelmed him. It was to be expected since Joss had never been there in the first place but that didn't mean he wasn't going to feel the loss. However John was grateful for the chance to be around her like old times. He needed to have some sense knocked in to him. John didn't want to admit it, but tonight showed that he really had been shutting out Harold and Fusco and he could have died because of that stubbornness.

Joss didn't want him to push people away anymore because of his grief for her. She wanted him to embrace what he still had. That didn't mean that he would have to forget about her. He would have to accept that things happened for a reason.

Watching as Finch slowly exited the driver's side of the car with Fusco in the passenger's; John smiled to himself and said softly "I'll try to do better Joss. I promise."

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Post A/N: Still baffled by the decision when John had accepted the circumstances behind what happened with Jessica in God Mode. He clearly had moved on so why did he talk about her at such length had me scratching my head. Again, I understand she was important to him but Joss died a year and a half ago and not so much as a sentence talking about that. Why even bother bringing back Carter? Still liked the episode and glad that JC got acknowledged for his acting but a wasted opportunity for real closure.


End file.
